When he's not here, I miss him and it's not just waves... I miss him all the time.

When he's here, time seems to come to a halt and I'm happy. I don't want that to end... I don't want to have to miss him though.

"Past Lives" - Ke$ha

We were lovers in a past life, 

I can see it in your green brown eyes,

Maybe you were one of my wives,

In the long lost tribe.

There's just somethin' 'bout you I know,
Started centuries ago though,
You see your kiss is like a lost ghost,
Only I would know.

But I, I keep on falling for you,
Time after time, time after time.
I'll make you mine, time after,
Time after time.

Seems milleniums ago, love,
We were nothing more than stardust,
Just the galaxy beneath us,
We found weight.

Then we made it through the Ice Age,
But I lost you in the crusades,
I build the pyramids for you, babe,
Just to see your face.

But I, I keep on falling for you,
Time after time, time after time.
I'll make you mine, time after,
Time after time, yeah.

(Time after time),
(Time after time),
(Time after time).

(Time after time).
(Time after time),
(Time after time).

Mystery Girl

"She loved mysteries so much that she became one..." ~ John Greene

Understand

"I never thought I would be crying over someone else's pain. Every time he feels it, I seem to act on it. The tears that he isn't crying seem to come pouring out of me and I can't stop. I try to hide them from him but it's too hard."

I never cry in front of people, it's not all about pride, I just don't want to go through someone asking me what's wrong and then not understanding any of it.

I know sometimes my fears seem unreasonable and random but they're real.  They seem stupid to some people.

Sometimes I feel like they're stupid to him, my random freak outs about people leaving me, me blocking out certain things, being closed in about certain topics in my life. I see that look in his eyes sometimes, that it all seems silly but it's real for me.

Maybe I'm imagining this look because I feel silly sometimes. This all comes natural for me though, the freak outs, the shutting down, the closing people out... It's how I've grown up dealing with things.

He makes things better, for the time that he's here with me... Things feel alright.
Then there are those moments when he's in the other room and I begin to feel like he would leave. I walk into the living room to see him sitting there watching t.v and I begin to uncontrollably cry. Then he asks me what's wrong and I tell him, as I look into his eyes I know that he really doesn't understand me fully. He doesn't get how sensitive I am to the idea of people going away but he loves me enough to hold me and reassure me that he won't be going anywhere.

I just wish I could put these fears into words, so that he could understand just a little bit. I wish I could unlock the safe in my head and show him what's inside. Maybe then I could not feel so silly when I look at him and see that he doesn't understand.

Non-believer

I was always this huge non-believer when it came to matters of the heart.

Relationships were a waste because everyone just packs up and leaves you, no one can ever love another person really. 
I could never be a wife because I like being on my own way too much. 
I never wanted kids because I was convinced that they would ruin my life. 

These, amongst others, were my beliefs about my life... About my love life. I wanted to be alone, I had been prepared to be alone for the rest of my life. I didn't plan on a marriage or children.

As I continue in this relationship the idea of all these things become more... Welcoming? Yeah, welcoming.
Marriage seems like something that I want, because maybe there are those few people that will stay in my life.
Kids are a tricky subject though. Not sure if I want those. 90% of me is still convinced that they'll ruin my life and that they'll have more problems than I do. Is that really so bad though?

The future is a million miles away, but I can't help but wonder about it all the time.

Confessions

For a long time you thought you were friend-zoned by me. I get that, I expressed feelings toward someone else and I didn't think of you like I do now.

To be completely honest, I always had feelings for you... I'm just so out of touch with my emotions that I didn't really realize it until now.

Remember:

When I was talking about that guy and I said "Maybe he's jealous of you and I"? It's not that I actually thought he was jealous, I just wanted him to be. I wanted him to think we were something more than we were because deep down I wanted to be something more than what we were.

When we went out for your birthday dinner, you're not the only one who felt like it was a date... Just saying, the thought crossed my mind a couple times that night also.

Every time you had a girl that you were talking to, I kind of wished that I was her.

When you yelled at me for missing your set during the event at the school, I cried for hours after I got home. Not because you yelled at me, I can take that. I cried because I thought that you were gonna leave. I figured that it was the end and I would never speak to you again, and the thought of that hurt me the most. A life without you was something I didn't want, whether you were a boyfriend or just my best friend.

When I ordered shrimp and then made that comment about you kissing me... Yes, that was me being a jerk but after I said that, all I could think about was how much I wanted you to kiss me.

When everyone began calling you my "boo", I couldn't stop smiling at the thought even though I kept saying
no.

When I told you my deepest secrets, it was because I knew you liked me and I liked you... So I was trying to scare you away. You stayed.


On the last night, I went on the horrible not-date date thing... When I pulled you over to my chair during pool, I wanted to kiss you so bad. It was at dinner after that when I realized that all I wanted to do was be with you.


Finally... When we finally got together, I wanted to scream it to the world. I just didn't want to ruin it.