Understand

"I never thought I would be crying over someone else's pain. Every time he feels it, I seem to act on it. The tears that he isn't crying seem to come pouring out of me and I can't stop. I try to hide them from him but it's too hard."

I never cry in front of people, it's not all about pride, I just don't want to go through someone asking me what's wrong and then not understanding any of it.

I know sometimes my fears seem unreasonable and random but they're real.  They seem stupid to some people.

Sometimes I feel like they're stupid to him, my random freak outs about people leaving me, me blocking out certain things, being closed in about certain topics in my life. I see that look in his eyes sometimes, that it all seems silly but it's real for me.

Maybe I'm imagining this look because I feel silly sometimes. This all comes natural for me though, the freak outs, the shutting down, the closing people out... It's how I've grown up dealing with things.

He makes things better, for the time that he's here with me... Things feel alright.
Then there are those moments when he's in the other room and I begin to feel like he would leave. I walk into the living room to see him sitting there watching t.v and I begin to uncontrollably cry. Then he asks me what's wrong and I tell him, as I look into his eyes I know that he really doesn't understand me fully. He doesn't get how sensitive I am to the idea of people going away but he loves me enough to hold me and reassure me that he won't be going anywhere.

I just wish I could put these fears into words, so that he could understand just a little bit. I wish I could unlock the safe in my head and show him what's inside. Maybe then I could not feel so silly when I look at him and see that he doesn't understand.