Dear M, Fuck you.

June 6th, 2010

Why does he keep playing games like this? I mean, really? It's sort of not fair to me, I actually like him... maybe even love him. Does he even like me back? I like things better when we're young.

June 12th, 2010 

That kiss has been on my mind pretty much all weekend. The only thing that has really confused me is that we're not dating, but we're making out in front of everyone. Literally, everyone. E*** and I*** are saying "go for it"... But I don't know. I don't want to be one of those chicks that think "Oh, we kissed now we're committed." But... I don't know how he feels.

June, 2012 

"She will not get over it, she will not move on. She'll think she can, she'll even think she has and then out of the blue you'll be right there with her and she'll think she can touch you. This will just be happening all over for her." - Izzie Stevens, Grey's Anatomy.

"All you can do is be brave enough to get out there. You fought, you loved, Walk tall, Torres." - Mark Sloan, Grey's Anatomy.

June - September 2012





(<--- This is the reason why I don't let tv shows influence my life... Luckily, I was too wasted to remember these.)














*I decided to put this out there, every thing I ever wrote about him. I didn't write anything for 2011 because I was actually happy. Or so I thought. I didn't love him, I loved the thought of being in love with him.*

Over

"We're over"

I never thought I would be the one to say it. Ever. 

We weren't even dating this time, just staying involved. 

You can't just come in and out of my life whenever you feel like it, it's not fair to me.  You know that I have issues with abandonment, you know how hard it is for me and you still do it.  You think that I'm just gonna wait around for you? You think I'm just your little doll that you can drag around and then leave wherever you want? I'm not. 

I can't keep you and you can't keep me.  As much as I wish that weren't true, it can't happen.  I'm moving on with my life. I'm happy. I made some new friends, have a possible new relationship, have an entirely new outlook on my life... You're something from my old life. The life I used to live, the life that I don't want to go back to. I can't bring a new guy into my life if the old one is still here, it's not fair and not good for my feelings. 

I'm better than this. I deserve better than this. I'm done with you. 

Fears

"How can I love when I'm afraid to fall? But watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow..." 

It's been a year since I've even thought about relationships. I've spent a lot of time on my  own trying to get in touch with myself rather than another human being. I had already spent two years of my life devoted to someone, didn't need that again.

But I'm in a different stage of my life now. I know who I am, at the present time, and I think I'm ready for a relationship.
I just have to get over this fear of being abandoned again, of being hurt.

How do you do that though? How do you ignore the abandonment issues that you've had all your life in order to get ready for a possible relationship? I know I've done it before... Just how?

The fear of being heart broken is a given... Thats what everyone fears in the "talking" stages of a relationship. That I can deal with. The trust issues that I have, those I can work through... But the abandonment issues... Those I'm gonna have to work through... A lot.