Mistake

I made a mistake and you found out. You said "When we leave this room, it's dead" We go back to how we always are.

That's easier said than done.

This will haunt me forever, I will feel like the shittiest person ever for a long time. Curiosity killed the cat... Or in this case, the cats boyfriend found out that she was curious and decided to move forward from it.

I made a mistake, you may forgive me but I can't forgive me.




I'm sorry. 

Stepping Stones

I don't think we were ever meant to be together. I think we were just stepping stones so that we could find the right people to be with.


I found mine, now go find yours.

Kids

"I think all she ever thinks about is her future.  It's something that she worries about everyday" 

My cousin died of cancer when he was young. I don't think I ever really met him. I'm always afraid that if I have children that they'll end up the same way or they'll get bullied like I did. 

That's why I don't want kids, if something happened to them I think I would fall apart. I think it's better to just not have anything to worry about. 

When he's not here, I miss him and it's not just waves... I miss him all the time.

When he's here, time seems to come to a halt and I'm happy. I don't want that to end... I don't want to have to miss him though.

"Past Lives" - Ke$ha

We were lovers in a past life, 

I can see it in your green brown eyes,

Maybe you were one of my wives,

In the long lost tribe.

There's just somethin' 'bout you I know,
Started centuries ago though,
You see your kiss is like a lost ghost,
Only I would know.

But I, I keep on falling for you,
Time after time, time after time.
I'll make you mine, time after,
Time after time.

Seems milleniums ago, love,
We were nothing more than stardust,
Just the galaxy beneath us,
We found weight.

Then we made it through the Ice Age,
But I lost you in the crusades,
I build the pyramids for you, babe,
Just to see your face.

But I, I keep on falling for you,
Time after time, time after time.
I'll make you mine, time after,
Time after time, yeah.

(Time after time),
(Time after time),
(Time after time).

(Time after time).
(Time after time),
(Time after time).

Mystery Girl

"She loved mysteries so much that she became one..." ~ John Greene

Understand

"I never thought I would be crying over someone else's pain. Every time he feels it, I seem to act on it. The tears that he isn't crying seem to come pouring out of me and I can't stop. I try to hide them from him but it's too hard."

I never cry in front of people, it's not all about pride, I just don't want to go through someone asking me what's wrong and then not understanding any of it.

I know sometimes my fears seem unreasonable and random but they're real.  They seem stupid to some people.

Sometimes I feel like they're stupid to him, my random freak outs about people leaving me, me blocking out certain things, being closed in about certain topics in my life. I see that look in his eyes sometimes, that it all seems silly but it's real for me.

Maybe I'm imagining this look because I feel silly sometimes. This all comes natural for me though, the freak outs, the shutting down, the closing people out... It's how I've grown up dealing with things.

He makes things better, for the time that he's here with me... Things feel alright.
Then there are those moments when he's in the other room and I begin to feel like he would leave. I walk into the living room to see him sitting there watching t.v and I begin to uncontrollably cry. Then he asks me what's wrong and I tell him, as I look into his eyes I know that he really doesn't understand me fully. He doesn't get how sensitive I am to the idea of people going away but he loves me enough to hold me and reassure me that he won't be going anywhere.

I just wish I could put these fears into words, so that he could understand just a little bit. I wish I could unlock the safe in my head and show him what's inside. Maybe then I could not feel so silly when I look at him and see that he doesn't understand.

Non-believer

I was always this huge non-believer when it came to matters of the heart.

Relationships were a waste because everyone just packs up and leaves you, no one can ever love another person really. 
I could never be a wife because I like being on my own way too much. 
I never wanted kids because I was convinced that they would ruin my life. 

These, amongst others, were my beliefs about my life... About my love life. I wanted to be alone, I had been prepared to be alone for the rest of my life. I didn't plan on a marriage or children.

As I continue in this relationship the idea of all these things become more... Welcoming? Yeah, welcoming.
Marriage seems like something that I want, because maybe there are those few people that will stay in my life.
Kids are a tricky subject though. Not sure if I want those. 90% of me is still convinced that they'll ruin my life and that they'll have more problems than I do. Is that really so bad though?

The future is a million miles away, but I can't help but wonder about it all the time.

Confessions

For a long time you thought you were friend-zoned by me. I get that, I expressed feelings toward someone else and I didn't think of you like I do now.

To be completely honest, I always had feelings for you... I'm just so out of touch with my emotions that I didn't really realize it until now.

Remember:

When I was talking about that guy and I said "Maybe he's jealous of you and I"? It's not that I actually thought he was jealous, I just wanted him to be. I wanted him to think we were something more than we were because deep down I wanted to be something more than what we were.

When we went out for your birthday dinner, you're not the only one who felt like it was a date... Just saying, the thought crossed my mind a couple times that night also.

Every time you had a girl that you were talking to, I kind of wished that I was her.

When you yelled at me for missing your set during the event at the school, I cried for hours after I got home. Not because you yelled at me, I can take that. I cried because I thought that you were gonna leave. I figured that it was the end and I would never speak to you again, and the thought of that hurt me the most. A life without you was something I didn't want, whether you were a boyfriend or just my best friend.

When I ordered shrimp and then made that comment about you kissing me... Yes, that was me being a jerk but after I said that, all I could think about was how much I wanted you to kiss me.

When everyone began calling you my "boo", I couldn't stop smiling at the thought even though I kept saying
no.

When I told you my deepest secrets, it was because I knew you liked me and I liked you... So I was trying to scare you away. You stayed.


On the last night, I went on the horrible not-date date thing... When I pulled you over to my chair during pool, I wanted to kiss you so bad. It was at dinner after that when I realized that all I wanted to do was be with you.


Finally... When we finally got together, I wanted to scream it to the world. I just didn't want to ruin it.

Can two people really be meant to be? soul mates?
All this 'meant to be' stuff, why not believe it? Maybe it’s just up to us to make it happen, to show up and be that for each other.
Some things are going to work out as if they were destined to happen, as if they were just meant to be.

B.O.A. Ruxspin

It's one of those things where you get into a relationship and everything is perfect. You know that you're with the right person, 8 days seems like 8 wonderful years, and you know that everyone looks at you two as the "it couple".

This is exactly where I wanna be right now. 

Rest In Peace

I can't say I didn't see this coming. You were really sick for a long time. I really will miss you so, so much.

There was a long time in my life where all you were was just a face on Facebook. I didn't know who you were or what you were like.


When I finally met you, it was as if we had been life long friends. You were so cool with everything, as if you were a teenage girl in an older woman's body. I could talk to you for hours.

That was last Thanksgiving, we couldn't make it this year. You went into the hospital after Thanksgiving and then today we got the call that you had died.

I feel like crying every second of every hour. I didn't get to say goodbye, you were gone without a word. So again, someone has left me behind without any warning.

I love you Aunt Sandi. I already miss you.

embower, v.: I surround my heart with trees because I want that steady sense of life, the feeling of being hidden but still 
able to be found

B.O.A. Strokes

And the grass wasn’t green enough here
After watering it with my tears
I’m not sure where you went
Now we are just past tense
And the snakes, they are slithering in
Chasing me to my end
I can’t say where that is
I’m running again

And when I get there
It won’t be far enough
I’m a renegade
It’s in my blood
If ever I get there
It won’t be fast enough
I’m a renegade
I always was

Well, the spark never lit up a fire
Though I tried and tried and tried
The wind came through your lungs
A hurricane from your tongue
I’ll keep your secrets with me
Right behind my teeth
Your anger, your anchor
But I’ll sail much further on, ah, on

And when I get there
It won’t be far enough
I’m a renegade
It’s in my blood
If ever I get there
It won’t be fast enough
I’m a renegade
I always was

I’ll keep running
I’ll keep running again, keep running
I’ll keep running, running, running
Keep running, running, running

Oh, when I get there
It won’t be far enough
I’m a renegade
It’s in my blood
If ever I get there
It won’t be fast enough
I’m a renegade
It's in my blood

I’m a renegade
I always was

"Renegade" Paramore

Battles With Myself

Let's face it, you just got feelings for the one person that you promised you wouldn't feel anything for. 

He's your best friend, but he's amazing. 
He knows almost everything that you hide from most people, but I trust him.
This could ruin your friendship, but I can see it working for a really long time. 
What if you fuck it all up?
What if you disappear on him like you do with everyone else?

What if he leaves you just like... everyone else?

I'm not afraid.

What happened to not being ready for anything? What happened to wanting to stay single for a long time?
What happened to waiting?

Why wait? I'm way too young to stop my life just because my "big love" already happened and left me. I'm not even sure that "M" was my "big love". Maybe he was just someone that I had to love in order to figure out what love really is when I do find it. Maybe I was never in love before, I was just in love with the idea of it. I'm not saying this is love, I'm just saying... I feel different. He makes me happy and he makes me feel different. He's willing to wait for me and even when I feel like he's gonna be done with me, there he is... Waiting. I've never had that before and I may never find that. So here goes nothing, I just caught major feelings for my best friend and I told him. I hope this doesn't back fire. 

Date

I've never really had boys actually take me on a date. I had plenty of boyfriends who never took me out once. I guess this is the reason why now, when a boy asks me out on a date, I freak out and feel as if I don't know where my life is headed... Yeah, it's that serious.

So tonight I went on a date with someone that I literally just met. It didn't start out as a date. At first it was just my best friend and I hanging out and then the kid came. It was horrible. I felt no connection to this kid and he was so awkward. Saying things like "I'm gonna buy you a build a bear" or some shit. He was too open about his feelings and when we're alone, he doesn't talk... He just stares at me. Awkwardly.

There is no way I see anything happening with this kid.

So I told the kid that I had to go home and spent the rest of the night with my best friend.

I know it sounds really bad and messed up but... I agreed to go on a date with my best friend. I don't know why but something seemed different tonight. Maybe it was just the embarrassment of a terrible date so I needed to find one with someone I know I'll have fun with or maybe it was supposed to happen.

Whatever it was... It all feels different.

Forgive but never forget

I forgive you.













but I will never forget what you did to me.

Okay

No, I'm not okay with any of this.

I don't know if I ever will be okay with any of this.

I know I said I would be okay with it, but that's easier said than done.







I'm not okay with it, so how about we get rid of it now before I become okay with it.

"My lack of interest in seeing you is not a strategy. I'm not playing hard to get....... You're untrustworthy, so I don't want to see you. You're self-centered, so I don't want to see you. I am a hundred percent certain that if I let you back in my life again you will hurt me again, so I don't want to see you. This isn't a ploy. I'm not pouting. I don't want you in my life. Get your crap out of my apartment."

Photo Shoot

I need to do a photo shoot soon... Preferably now.

Maybe I do believe it, all this “meant to be” stuff. Why not believe it, really? Who doesn’t want more romance in their life? Maybe it’s just up to us to make it happen. To show up and be meant for each other. At least that way you’ll find out for sure - if you’re meant to be or not.

-Meredith Grey

There don’t have to be harps playing or birds singing or pose petals falling from the sky… And there are definitely days when the romance is dead. But if you look around, things are pretty amazing. So stop for a second. Enjoy the beauty. Feel the magic. Drink it in. ‘Cause it won’t last forever. The romance will fade. Things will happen. People will change. Love will die. But… maybe not today.

-Meredith Grey

Have some fire. Be unstoppable. Be a force of nature. Be better than anyone here, and don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks.

-Christina Yang

 "I always said I'd be happier alone. I'd have my work, my friends - but someone in your life all the time? More trouble than it's worth. Apparently, I got over it...There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever." 

I miss all of it, but I'm only protecting myself.

My Babies

"If my body is a temple, why not decorate the walls?"

B.O.A

She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she's always a woman to me

She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she'll never believe
And she'll take what you give her as long as it's free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she's always a woman to me


Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she'll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you're bleedin'
But she'll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she's always a woman to me
Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She's ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind

She is frequently kind
And she's suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She's nobody's fool
But she can't be convicted
She's earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she's always a woman to me

"She's not a person, she's an epidemic."