Optical Illusion

On the surface, things look perfect. My family seems happy and I seem ok with how things pan out. I would hate to ruin the illusion for you but nothing is ok. Nothing is perfect.

Oh she looks back and waves as she slips inside
Every hope in the world in those bright blue eyes
I'm still dancing alone with the way it was

I'm messed up inside. I have been holding all these feelings and emotions inside and I'm just about ready to break. 

Keep it together, Lauren. You can do this. Just hold it in just a little while longer. It'll pass, all of it will go away soon. 

I have four people who I would trust with my life, so why is it so hard for me to tell them how I'm feeling and how hard things are at home?

Well, one of them already knows, but he only knows the little things. Not the whole story. I'm bits and pieces right now.


There is a Hell, believe me I've 

seen it

There is a Heaven, let's keep it a secret

Too Young To Care

I'm old enough to know what I'm doing and young enough to not give a shit. 

The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan

corrode, v.
I spent all this time building a relationship. Then one night I left the window open, and it started to rust. -p. 64

lover, n.
Oh, how I have hated this word...I have never wanted a lover.  In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and be loved. - p. 137

dispel, v.
It was the way you said, "i have something to tell you." I could feel the magic drain from the room. -p. 74

I, n.
Me without anyone else. - p. 113

idea, n.
"I'm quitting," you say. "I can't believe how wasted I was. This time, I'm really going to do it."
       And I tell you I'll help. It's almost a script at this point. - p. 114

love, n.
I'm not going to even try. - p. 136

motif, n.You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you. - p. 144

recant, v.
I want to take back at least half of the “I love you”s, because I didn’t mean them as much as the other ones. I want to take back the book of artsy photos I gave you, because you didn’t get it and said it was hipster trash. I want to take back what I said about you being an emotional zombie. I want to take back the time I called you “honey” in front of your sister and you looked like I had just shown her pictures of us having sex. I want to take back the wineglass I broke when I was mad, because it was a nice wineglass and the argument would have ended anyway. I want to take back the time we had sex in a rent-a-car, not because I feel bad about the people who got in the car after us, but because it was massively uncomfortable. I want to take back the trust I had while you were away in Austin. I want to take back the time I said you were a genius, because I was being sarcastic and I should have just said you’d hurt my feelings. I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again. I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half the “I love you”s, because it feels safer that way. - p. 169

Love And Other Things

I take the car and drive the night
The white stripes blur and ease my mind
When all that's left is a single line
Instead of this confusion
And I'm not certain of the way it was
And I'm not sure what I could of done
Oh but I wonder if it had been enough
To stop her from leaving
And I realize the only thing I know is
She said"I'm in love with some one else" she said
"I fell in love with some one else and I,
I'm in love with some one and that's all that I know for sure"

You never forget you're first love. True. You move on but somehow no one can ever be better than that one special person. Sometimes, this can get in the way of relationships, it bites at whatever relationship you try to build until it's gone.

I guess thats a risk you take when you fall in love with someone but it's not really a choice to fall in love, is it? It's just something that happens and before you know it you gave a peice of yourself to that person.

Lover, n.

Oh, how I have hated this word...I have never wanted a lover.  In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and be loved

I guess love is a good thing though, it makes us stronger. For those of us who aren't lucky enough to have that person in our lives forever, love is the worst because we begin to fear the heartbreak. We become so afraid that we hesitate to start a relationship with everyone because we're afraid that person will become too important. What if we fall in love again, and it falls apart? We might not make it.

Some people think sex is the most important thing in a relationship. No. It's really not. I'm living proof of that. I spent two years with someone without any of that, we thought about it and even talked about it but never did it. It's so stupid. It just makes everything worse cause then when they leave they get to tell everyone that they saw you exposed. Now thats no fair, is it?

And then there are couples who do nothing but fuck. Every time they hang out, all they do is fuck. Can't people just have a normal conversation anymore? Just hang out?

I get it, it's nice. It feels good but it's pathetic when thats ALL you do.

"Silly boy, there's no such thing as love. Just different levels of 'feels good'..."

It would be so much easier to be single. I'd rather be unhappy alone than be unhappy with someone. That's a problem, I don't want to be alone.

This is a problem.

Distance

I feel like I've been distancing myself from everyone. Not on purpose... it just kind of happened.

I'm just out of touch and I'm not sure how to get back in touch again. I'm all alone in this place that I've put myself in, no ones here to help me out or anything.

There used to be someone that I can go to every time I felt like this but now? I don't think anyone really cares. People are just focused on their lives and don't really care about other people anymore.

I get it, people like to talk about themselves. I like to, in fact I have this blog where all I do is talk about myself.

I'm an Aries.

Aries Personal traits: Openness, enthusiasm and individualism are the main traits of the Arians. They are outspoken, alert, quick to act and speak. They prefer to speak than to listen. Arians are ambitious, with lots of drive and a strong will to lead. They are poor followers. Fiercely independent, they usually take the side of the underdog in any controversy. They are champions of lost causes and losing battles. This trait is due to a strong belief in their own abilities to turn any situation around.
Being alone is usually not a problem for me. I just hate when I feel like no one cares anymore.

Boys Be Crazy

Boy and girl sitting next to each other. Boy's ex-fling is sitting at the table next to them and her best friend is right across from the boy
Girl: So how are things with her? 
Boy: Good, I mean, it's not like we're over.

The next day the best friend tells the ex-fling what they were talking about
Ex-Fling: Ummm.... No, we're defiantly over...

It's times like these where I really question how people think. We ended things. I'm done with this, so, why are you still telling people that we're not over?

I got tired of you, that's why I'm moving onto the next guy. You became a.... bitch-baby. Crying and moaning about every little thing. Seriously, I thought boys were supposed to act tough all the time. Why is it that this one boy is the most sensitive guy ever?

I honestly think he needs to be committed to the nearest mental hospital.

Halloween

I know, I'm a day late but Halloween was hectic.
For starters, I had a blackout since the 29th so I only JUST got power back on Halloween, then I was all over the place trying to:

Mariana and her boyfriend the zombies

Estephania as Snooki and Jonathan as...himself?

             a) figure out plans (if any)
             b)enjoy myself

There was a shit load to do... kinda.

I was Marvin the Martian from Looney Tunes for Halloween (Don't really have pictures yet, my friend has to send them to me still)



All these pictures here are just some of the people I know that dressed up.
Obviously there were more but it's late, so there's not much of an effort here.




BY THE WAY:

The picture of Mariana was stolen from her blog:
http://lifeandquestions.wordpress.com/

The picture of Jonathan and Estephania was stolen from... Facebook.