Right Through Me

"You see right through me, how do you do that shit? 
You let me win, you let me ride, you let me rock,
you let me slide and when they looking,
you let me hide, defend my honor, protect my pride
The good advice, I always hated but looking back,
it made me greater..."


You know me so well. For some people it may seem like you know me too well. You knocked right through my walls that I tried so hard to build. I didn't want you to see the truth. 


I never truly believed that I tried to push people until you came and opened my eyes to what I had become. 
I became someone who never admitted to love because of my fear of losing something else I loved. Someone who pushed people away just because goodbyes are easier when there are less feelings and memories behind them. 


Will I ever grow out of this? Probably not. Am I happy that you came along? Yes, a thousand times, yes. 


So here goes nothing... I love you. 

Dreamers and Realists

"There are dreamers and there are realists. You would think that the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists but it's the opposite. The dreamers need the realists to keep them from floating too close to the sun and the realists need the dreamers to get their feet off the ground" ~Modern Family 

Fears

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”

I kind of get scared sometimes... Scared that you won't stick around like you say you will. You'll find someone who really "wows!" you.
Someone you can really connect with.

Maybe you won't. Maybe I'll get lucky and everyone is right, maybe we will get married and have a beautiful family together. Somehow I feel like that's just a pipe dream that you and I throw at each other.

We're both afraid of the same things. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Sadness. The fears we have in common are what we lean on each other with.

I'd like to think my place is a spot next to you... Let's hope you feel the same.




                                                                              

Illegal

We all know it happens, people break the law all the time so I'm not really seeing a problem. It's only illegal if you get caught, that's my motto. So why am I afraid of this? It's something that I want, I think.

I understand why you're scared. You could lose everything... Well not literally but you'd lose a lot. As long as we don't get caught it's okay though, right? I'm pretty sure we both know that everything is mutual. We know each other that well.

3 months... That's all we have to wait. 3, and then it's... Half legal.

People make us happy and it's never the people you expect.

You were there for me when no one else was, I love you for that.


Life's about adventure... So come on already! Let's break some fucking laws.

I'm Still Here

"I'm still here, I'm still here, I'm still here"

I was bullied as a little kid. Many people made fun of me because of my uncontrollable curly hair and my missing two front teeth. People didn't know how I lost my teeth, they just knew that I looked like a weirdo. They didn't know that I bumped my mouth into a piano because my shoes were slippery when I was 3. I waited until I was 7 to get my teeth back. I didn't tell anyone that story because I was embarrassed. I was already seen as the girl with poodle hair. It got to the point where I thought about suicide for years, but I was too afraid to end everything. In the back of my mind, I believed that things would get better. I was right.

There was an assembly today, a man named Dr. Michael Fowlen came and spoke about bullying. He did impressions of these characters that appear one way and have a whole other side to them. At one point he began to act as a child with special needs.

I began to cry because I started thinking about my cousin, David. I thought about how kids might have treated David and what they must have called him. They may not have called him David, they might have just referred to him as "that kid with Cancer." David died before I was born and even though I never knew him, I still have those days where I sit in my room and cry because he is one person that I would give anything to meet. Let's face it, kids are ruthless, if they see someone who's different they will pick on them until something serious happens to that person. I can only hope the kids didn't hurt David in any way.

Despite everything that I have been through, I'm still here, walking tall. I'm not the quiet defenseless girl that I used to be, I have a voice, I am confident, and I am brave. I wake up in the morning and tell myself that I am beautiful and so what, I don't have a boyfriend, I will find someone who will love me for me and not for someone I try to be. So I want you to read this poem, it's called "I'm Still Here" by Langston Hughes:

Been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
Snow has friz me,Sun has baked me,

Looks like between 'em they done
Tried to make me

Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
But I don't care!
I'm still here!

You are all beautiful, don't ever forget that.

Realizations

"He loves you, Lauren..."
"Well, I don't return the feelings"


Now you love me, after all this time, now you love me.  I spent 2 years thinking that I loved you and convincing myself that I felt all these feelings for you. I was stupid. 


Sure, now that I'm no longer around you suddenly acquired all these feelings. I guess it's true what they say: 
"You don't really know what you've got till it's gone"


I realize now that I didn't really love you. I wasn't in love with you. I don't think I ever will be. I was only in love with the thought of being in love.

Fuck your feelings. I'm so much better now that you're gone.

Out of Nowhere

I can't do this. I can't not talk to you. I can't pass you in the hall, & pretend I don't care.


There are some thing's that you never see coming. If there is one thing I have learned, thing's happen unexpectedly. One minute you're good friends, and the next, he's the person you can't be without. 


The other part that you don't expect is the whole "Let's not make this obvious" act. So we go around acting like we don't know each other, until we get a moment alone, when we all of a sudden know everything about each other. 


I can't stand being in that kind of relationship with someone, but at the same time it's kind of exciting. Tricking everyone around us that we're not close and at the same time having this arsenal full of each other's secrets and wishes. 


Then, out of nowhere, thing's work out and we decide to tell people. That's when reality hits us and we realize that this might have been the biggest mistake we've ever made. 

Dreams vs Reality

"I had a dream..."


I had a dream that my parents got divorced, it kind of got me curious about relationships. I feel the need to get involved. I begin to ask questions about relationships and because I get very excitable about things like this, I get carried away. 


I learned that my Forensics teacher is divorced, my English teacher may be engaged, my Math teacher has a wife and three amazingly smart kids, and a couple that I know are having problems and it's only the first month or so in their relationship. 


Maybe it's because I don't have anything to distract myself with right now, it's not like I have a boyfriend that I'm constantly wrapped up in or anything. I just have Me, Myself, and I. 


So forgive me if I get carried away with the curiosity. I just need to distract myself for a while. Yeah, that sounds about right.


I normally act like I don't care about relationships. I normally just dismiss them or say something smart like "Eh, I give it a month" but lately I seem to feel like everything will work out for the better. I think my dreams are triggering this hopeful feeling. 


I bought this book about dreams and their meanings and every morning I check to see what my dream meant. Lately my dreams have had something to do with love or luck. Yeah, the dreams are definitely a big part of my hopefulness. Definitely.

Euphoria

Leave her, let her dance her little heart out. She's in Euphoria...





Thing's are good again. I took a little time for myself and now I'm back to my usual self.
I'm happy.
I'm safe.
I have everyone I want around me.


I'm in Euphoria.





Come out the dark and let the DJ lead the way
Cause it’s hot in the club now, so don’t let it stop now
So hit the lights

Optical Illusion

On the surface, things look perfect. My family seems happy and I seem ok with how things pan out. I would hate to ruin the illusion for you but nothing is ok. Nothing is perfect.

Oh she looks back and waves as she slips inside
Every hope in the world in those bright blue eyes
I'm still dancing alone with the way it was

I'm messed up inside. I have been holding all these feelings and emotions inside and I'm just about ready to break. 

Keep it together, Lauren. You can do this. Just hold it in just a little while longer. It'll pass, all of it will go away soon. 

I have four people who I would trust with my life, so why is it so hard for me to tell them how I'm feeling and how hard things are at home?

Well, one of them already knows, but he only knows the little things. Not the whole story. I'm bits and pieces right now.


There is a Hell, believe me I've 

seen it

There is a Heaven, let's keep it a secret

The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan

corrode, v.
I spent all this time building a relationship. Then one night I left the window open, and it started to rust. -p. 64

lover, n.
Oh, how I have hated this word...I have never wanted a lover.  In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and be loved. - p. 137

dispel, v.
It was the way you said, "i have something to tell you." I could feel the magic drain from the room. -p. 74

I, n.
Me without anyone else. - p. 113

idea, n.
"I'm quitting," you say. "I can't believe how wasted I was. This time, I'm really going to do it."
       And I tell you I'll help. It's almost a script at this point. - p. 114

love, n.
I'm not going to even try. - p. 136

motif, n.You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you. - p. 144

recant, v.
I want to take back at least half of the “I love you”s, because I didn’t mean them as much as the other ones. I want to take back the book of artsy photos I gave you, because you didn’t get it and said it was hipster trash. I want to take back what I said about you being an emotional zombie. I want to take back the time I called you “honey” in front of your sister and you looked like I had just shown her pictures of us having sex. I want to take back the wineglass I broke when I was mad, because it was a nice wineglass and the argument would have ended anyway. I want to take back the time we had sex in a rent-a-car, not because I feel bad about the people who got in the car after us, but because it was massively uncomfortable. I want to take back the trust I had while you were away in Austin. I want to take back the time I said you were a genius, because I was being sarcastic and I should have just said you’d hurt my feelings. I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again. I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half the “I love you”s, because it feels safer that way. - p. 169

Love And Other Things

I take the car and drive the night
The white stripes blur and ease my mind
When all that's left is a single line
Instead of this confusion
And I'm not certain of the way it was
And I'm not sure what I could of done
Oh but I wonder if it had been enough
To stop her from leaving
And I realize the only thing I know is
She said"I'm in love with some one else" she said
"I fell in love with some one else and I,
I'm in love with some one and that's all that I know for sure"

You never forget you're first love. True. You move on but somehow no one can ever be better than that one special person. Sometimes, this can get in the way of relationships, it bites at whatever relationship you try to build until it's gone.

I guess thats a risk you take when you fall in love with someone but it's not really a choice to fall in love, is it? It's just something that happens and before you know it you gave a peice of yourself to that person.

Lover, n.

Oh, how I have hated this word...I have never wanted a lover.  In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and be loved

I guess love is a good thing though, it makes us stronger. For those of us who aren't lucky enough to have that person in our lives forever, love is the worst because we begin to fear the heartbreak. We become so afraid that we hesitate to start a relationship with everyone because we're afraid that person will become too important. What if we fall in love again, and it falls apart? We might not make it.

Some people think sex is the most important thing in a relationship. No. It's really not. I'm living proof of that. I spent two years with someone without any of that, we thought about it and even talked about it but never did it. It's so stupid. It just makes everything worse cause then when they leave they get to tell everyone that they saw you exposed. Now thats no fair, is it?

And then there are couples who do nothing but fuck. Every time they hang out, all they do is fuck. Can't people just have a normal conversation anymore? Just hang out?

I get it, it's nice. It feels good but it's pathetic when thats ALL you do.

"Silly boy, there's no such thing as love. Just different levels of 'feels good'..."

It would be so much easier to be single. I'd rather be unhappy alone than be unhappy with someone. That's a problem, I don't want to be alone.

This is a problem.