Right Through Me

"You see right through me, how do you do that shit? 
You let me win, you let me ride, you let me rock,
you let me slide and when they looking,
you let me hide, defend my honor, protect my pride
The good advice, I always hated but looking back,
it made me greater..."


You know me so well. For some people it may seem like you know me too well. You knocked right through my walls that I tried so hard to build. I didn't want you to see the truth. 


I never truly believed that I tried to push people until you came and opened my eyes to what I had become. 
I became someone who never admitted to love because of my fear of losing something else I loved. Someone who pushed people away just because goodbyes are easier when there are less feelings and memories behind them. 


Will I ever grow out of this? Probably not. Am I happy that you came along? Yes, a thousand times, yes. 


So here goes nothing... I love you. 

Children

I don't want children. People in my life constantly remind me of this because of how immature they are.

You're my best friend, you know that, but I've told you time and time again that I am not a shoulder to cry on. I have my own problems. You want me to comfort you just because he hurt your feelings? Spare me.

We're all growing up... What the fucks going on with you?

I promised...

"I always said I would never write a love song, but I ended up doing that anyway" ~ Amy Winehouse


I promised that he was going to be my last time getting that close to someone. I promised that I wouldn't let anyone in again. I promised that I would never say the words "I love you" to anyone else because it was too painful when those words turned to "I hate you".

I promised that I would never admit that I missed him.

That all happened anyway.

Granted when I told you I loved you it was more of a friendly thing and you had said it first but there was a hint of right in those words. I could possibly see myself feeling that way for you but there's no way I'm brave enough to admit it to your face.
Yes, I do miss him, all the time. What did you expect? He was my constant for two years, he was my rock. You helped me out of the mess I was in when I was having trouble coping with his absence and you became my rock, my constant, my everyday.
I don't like the fact that I'm getting so close, I don't want to cling to anyone anymore because it destroys me when they leave.
I'm afraid of all of it.

I promised I wouldn't be afraid... I ended up doing that anyway.

Fears

“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.”

I kind of get scared sometimes... Scared that you won't stick around like you say you will. You'll find someone who really "wows!" you.
Someone you can really connect with.

Maybe you won't. Maybe I'll get lucky and everyone is right, maybe we will get married and have a beautiful family together. Somehow I feel like that's just a pipe dream that you and I throw at each other.

We're both afraid of the same things. Heartbreak. Loneliness. Sadness. The fears we have in common are what we lean on each other with.

I'd like to think my place is a spot next to you... Let's hope you feel the same.




                                                                              

80%

So, you're here but you're not. They told me they were kidding, "He's not coming back, I just wanted to see how you would react"
Oh wonderful, I freaked out for nothing. Perfect.

80% of me was relieved that it was a joke because I was afraid of getting all the feelings I had for you back but then there's that twisted 20% that wanted to see you again.
Everyday that 20% looked for you, hoped to see you one more time, just so that I can say everything that I bottled up to you. Every feeling, every tear, every 'I love you', everything that I locked away in the safe I call my heart.

I had a dream about you, it felt so real. It was nice to hang out with you, hug you, talk to you, and see you again. I wanted that to happen in real life but it's only a dream, right? Dreams don't come true, do they?

If you need me, I'll be here, in White Plains. You stay in Puebla, Mexico and change you're god damn Facebook location because every time I see it my 20% gets it's hopes up.

Illegal

We all know it happens, people break the law all the time so I'm not really seeing a problem. It's only illegal if you get caught, that's my motto. So why am I afraid of this? It's something that I want, I think.

I understand why you're scared. You could lose everything... Well not literally but you'd lose a lot. As long as we don't get caught it's okay though, right? I'm pretty sure we both know that everything is mutual. We know each other that well.

3 months... That's all we have to wait. 3, and then it's... Half legal.

People make us happy and it's never the people you expect.

You were there for me when no one else was, I love you for that.


Life's about adventure... So come on already! Let's break some fucking laws.

No, no, no!

You can't be back, you just can't be. I got used to you being gone. I didn't want you here anymore and now you're back?! This can't be happening to me again. I never wanted to see you again.

I got over you, I went through my depression and I found an amazing guy.

How did everything go so wrong so fast?

I think I may just be afraid of myself. I don't want to get all the feelings that I threw away back again.

Breathe Lauren, breathe..... You can do this, just ignore him.

I hope my conscience is right.

Resolution

Last year I made a resolution for 2011. I wanted to be in love with someone. We'll that happened and although it was a tough time and I didn't exactly enjoy myself... I'm happier for it. Things turned out for the better.

This year will be tricky. I'm not sure what I wanna accomplish yet, I'm happy with how things are right now... Kind of. Maybe I do have a goal, we can only see in the long term.

All I can say is... I hope my dreams as of late mean something.

Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be, 
But with my eyes closed all I see 
Is the skyline, through the window, 
The moon above you and the streets below. 
Hold my breath as you're moving in, 
Taste your lips and feel your skin. 
When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly. 

Realizations

"He loves you, Lauren..."
"Well, I don't return the feelings"


Now you love me, after all this time, now you love me.  I spent 2 years thinking that I loved you and convincing myself that I felt all these feelings for you. I was stupid. 


Sure, now that I'm no longer around you suddenly acquired all these feelings. I guess it's true what they say: 
"You don't really know what you've got till it's gone"


I realize now that I didn't really love you. I wasn't in love with you. I don't think I ever will be. I was only in love with the thought of being in love.

Fuck your feelings. I'm so much better now that you're gone.

Out of Nowhere

I can't do this. I can't not talk to you. I can't pass you in the hall, & pretend I don't care.


There are some thing's that you never see coming. If there is one thing I have learned, thing's happen unexpectedly. One minute you're good friends, and the next, he's the person you can't be without. 


The other part that you don't expect is the whole "Let's not make this obvious" act. So we go around acting like we don't know each other, until we get a moment alone, when we all of a sudden know everything about each other. 


I can't stand being in that kind of relationship with someone, but at the same time it's kind of exciting. Tricking everyone around us that we're not close and at the same time having this arsenal full of each other's secrets and wishes. 


Then, out of nowhere, thing's work out and we decide to tell people. That's when reality hits us and we realize that this might have been the biggest mistake we've ever made. 

Goodbye Euphoria

"Hey Lauren, do you know what happened to Marco?"
"He went to Mexico..."
"Oh, really? I didn't know that"

Nothing stays perfect forever. Just when you think you got everything figured out, everything changes.

Why couldn't you tell your friends that you left? Why do I have to do all your dirty work, huh?

Leaving without saying goodbye was a big mistake.

What did you think was gonna happen? People would just forget? They'd ask your cousins? They wouldn't care?

People do care, that's one thing you need to learn. They won't ask your cousins, they're gonna ask the ex-girlfriend that you spent two years involved with.

You didn't think this through, I'm not going to be the bearer of bad news anymore.

Boys Be Crazy

Boy and girl sitting next to each other. Boy's ex-fling is sitting at the table next to them and her best friend is right across from the boy
Girl: So how are things with her? 
Boy: Good, I mean, it's not like we're over.

The next day the best friend tells the ex-fling what they were talking about
Ex-Fling: Ummm.... No, we're defiantly over...

It's times like these where I really question how people think. We ended things. I'm done with this, so, why are you still telling people that we're not over?

I got tired of you, that's why I'm moving onto the next guy. You became a.... bitch-baby. Crying and moaning about every little thing. Seriously, I thought boys were supposed to act tough all the time. Why is it that this one boy is the most sensitive guy ever?

I honestly think he needs to be committed to the nearest mental hospital.