I promised...

"I always said I would never write a love song, but I ended up doing that anyway" ~ Amy Winehouse


I promised that he was going to be my last time getting that close to someone. I promised that I wouldn't let anyone in again. I promised that I would never say the words "I love you" to anyone else because it was too painful when those words turned to "I hate you".

I promised that I would never admit that I missed him.

That all happened anyway.

Granted when I told you I loved you it was more of a friendly thing and you had said it first but there was a hint of right in those words. I could possibly see myself feeling that way for you but there's no way I'm brave enough to admit it to your face.
Yes, I do miss him, all the time. What did you expect? He was my constant for two years, he was my rock. You helped me out of the mess I was in when I was having trouble coping with his absence and you became my rock, my constant, my everyday.
I don't like the fact that I'm getting so close, I don't want to cling to anyone anymore because it destroys me when they leave.
I'm afraid of all of it.

I promised I wouldn't be afraid... I ended up doing that anyway.

Goodbye

"Make a promise please, you'll always be in reach. Just in case I need you there when I call..."




I have to admit, I'm kind of sensitive when it comes to people leaving. I guess it makes sense, every time someone decided to leave they just did... No warning, nothing.


So it kinda sucks when you constantly remind me that you're leaving cause all the fears come back and they bother me. I didn't wanna be that person who can't let go but you're my best friend.


I need you to say goodbye to me, cause I can't deal with someone else leaving me behind without a word. I need you to promise me that and we'll be okay.


Damn, graduations going to be hard. I say goodbye to the kids I grew up with and the teachers that mean the most to me..... fuck.

I'm Still Here

"I'm still here, I'm still here, I'm still here"

I was bullied as a little kid. Many people made fun of me because of my uncontrollable curly hair and my missing two front teeth. People didn't know how I lost my teeth, they just knew that I looked like a weirdo. They didn't know that I bumped my mouth into a piano because my shoes were slippery when I was 3. I waited until I was 7 to get my teeth back. I didn't tell anyone that story because I was embarrassed. I was already seen as the girl with poodle hair. It got to the point where I thought about suicide for years, but I was too afraid to end everything. In the back of my mind, I believed that things would get better. I was right.

There was an assembly today, a man named Dr. Michael Fowlen came and spoke about bullying. He did impressions of these characters that appear one way and have a whole other side to them. At one point he began to act as a child with special needs.

I began to cry because I started thinking about my cousin, David. I thought about how kids might have treated David and what they must have called him. They may not have called him David, they might have just referred to him as "that kid with Cancer." David died before I was born and even though I never knew him, I still have those days where I sit in my room and cry because he is one person that I would give anything to meet. Let's face it, kids are ruthless, if they see someone who's different they will pick on them until something serious happens to that person. I can only hope the kids didn't hurt David in any way.

Despite everything that I have been through, I'm still here, walking tall. I'm not the quiet defenseless girl that I used to be, I have a voice, I am confident, and I am brave. I wake up in the morning and tell myself that I am beautiful and so what, I don't have a boyfriend, I will find someone who will love me for me and not for someone I try to be. So I want you to read this poem, it's called "I'm Still Here" by Langston Hughes:

Been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
Snow has friz me,Sun has baked me,

Looks like between 'em they done
Tried to make me

Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
But I don't care!
I'm still here!

You are all beautiful, don't ever forget that.

Used

I didn't become your friend so that you can use me.

Get the fuck over yourself.

Realizations

"He loves you, Lauren..."
"Well, I don't return the feelings"


Now you love me, after all this time, now you love me.  I spent 2 years thinking that I loved you and convincing myself that I felt all these feelings for you. I was stupid. 


Sure, now that I'm no longer around you suddenly acquired all these feelings. I guess it's true what they say: 
"You don't really know what you've got till it's gone"


I realize now that I didn't really love you. I wasn't in love with you. I don't think I ever will be. I was only in love with the thought of being in love.

Fuck your feelings. I'm so much better now that you're gone.

The Future

She never thinks about her future, it's million miles away

Him: You should look at Baruch
Me: Isn't that where you're going?
Him: You should look into going there


I think about the future all the time, its something that I truly worry about sometimes.
Where will I be in 5 years?

Ever play the '5 years' game? Its really scary when you do. The object of the game is to think about where all your friends will be in 5 years and then try and think about where you would be.

Me? I hope that I'm doing something with photography in 5 years. Its something that I'm passionate about. Showing people how I see things, making something beautiful just with a click of a button.

I have to take it slow though, I gotta look at colleges. Baruch seems like a really good place to go, plus, if I get in I'll have someone I know there with me. I have a million other places to look at.

Out of Nowhere

I can't do this. I can't not talk to you. I can't pass you in the hall, & pretend I don't care.


There are some thing's that you never see coming. If there is one thing I have learned, thing's happen unexpectedly. One minute you're good friends, and the next, he's the person you can't be without. 


The other part that you don't expect is the whole "Let's not make this obvious" act. So we go around acting like we don't know each other, until we get a moment alone, when we all of a sudden know everything about each other. 


I can't stand being in that kind of relationship with someone, but at the same time it's kind of exciting. Tricking everyone around us that we're not close and at the same time having this arsenal full of each other's secrets and wishes. 


Then, out of nowhere, thing's work out and we decide to tell people. That's when reality hits us and we realize that this might have been the biggest mistake we've ever made. 

Dreams vs Reality

"I had a dream..."


I had a dream that my parents got divorced, it kind of got me curious about relationships. I feel the need to get involved. I begin to ask questions about relationships and because I get very excitable about things like this, I get carried away. 


I learned that my Forensics teacher is divorced, my English teacher may be engaged, my Math teacher has a wife and three amazingly smart kids, and a couple that I know are having problems and it's only the first month or so in their relationship. 


Maybe it's because I don't have anything to distract myself with right now, it's not like I have a boyfriend that I'm constantly wrapped up in or anything. I just have Me, Myself, and I. 


So forgive me if I get carried away with the curiosity. I just need to distract myself for a while. Yeah, that sounds about right.


I normally act like I don't care about relationships. I normally just dismiss them or say something smart like "Eh, I give it a month" but lately I seem to feel like everything will work out for the better. I think my dreams are triggering this hopeful feeling. 


I bought this book about dreams and their meanings and every morning I check to see what my dream meant. Lately my dreams have had something to do with love or luck. Yeah, the dreams are definitely a big part of my hopefulness. Definitely.

Philadelphia By Parachute

Taken while driving past Philadelphia

Like a gunshot from miles away
She's moving in
Like a rainstorm with out the clouds
She falls on you
Like a phone call to worn the truth
It never rings


It's the truth before the lies
It's the way she doesn't try
It's the wink before the sly
In Philadelphia
In Philadelphia


They met after work one day
She laughed with him
They drove off their separate ways
Then met for drinks
When he got home the silent guilt was deafening


It's the truth before the lies
It's the way she doesn't try
It's the wink before the sly
In Philadelphia
In Philadelphia


She thought that love was gonna fight
She thought that love was gonna take her home
She thought that love was gonna save her
But love just never showed
She felt that love was always watching
Oh we learned that love was supposed to wait
But sometimes it's the feelings
That are standing in the air

He slips off his worn out suit and tries to rest
She's a million miles away across the bed
She rolls over puts her hand across his chest


It's the truth before the lies
It's the way she doesn't try
It's the wink before the sly
In Philadelphia
In Philadelphia
In Philadelphia

From "The Notebook"

This song makes me wanna go to Philadelphia with someone special, I wanna dance to this song in the middle of the night on a empty street...

Goodbye Euphoria

"Hey Lauren, do you know what happened to Marco?"
"He went to Mexico..."
"Oh, really? I didn't know that"

Nothing stays perfect forever. Just when you think you got everything figured out, everything changes.

Why couldn't you tell your friends that you left? Why do I have to do all your dirty work, huh?

Leaving without saying goodbye was a big mistake.

What did you think was gonna happen? People would just forget? They'd ask your cousins? They wouldn't care?

People do care, that's one thing you need to learn. They won't ask your cousins, they're gonna ask the ex-girlfriend that you spent two years involved with.

You didn't think this through, I'm not going to be the bearer of bad news anymore.

Euphoria

Leave her, let her dance her little heart out. She's in Euphoria...





Thing's are good again. I took a little time for myself and now I'm back to my usual self.
I'm happy.
I'm safe.
I have everyone I want around me.


I'm in Euphoria.





Come out the dark and let the DJ lead the way
Cause it’s hot in the club now, so don’t let it stop now
So hit the lights

Turn Around

Why would you go somewhere you're not wanted? Why go back to being unhappy?


Are you fucking stupid?! Turn around, they don't want you!


It's official, you're a fucking idiot, I don't understand why you won't just turn around and make a run for it, Lauren. You can do this.


You're still not turning around, this is pointless.


That's right, cry bitch. Cry you're little heart out. Even if you did run at this very moment, where the fuck would you go? It's not like anyone else wants you. Cry, cry, cry.


You're nothing, nothing but bits and pieces. People are just waiting for you to leave, so why don't you just go? Oh, wait, I know why, because you don't have anywhere else to go.

Optical Illusion

On the surface, things look perfect. My family seems happy and I seem ok with how things pan out. I would hate to ruin the illusion for you but nothing is ok. Nothing is perfect.

Oh she looks back and waves as she slips inside
Every hope in the world in those bright blue eyes
I'm still dancing alone with the way it was

I'm messed up inside. I have been holding all these feelings and emotions inside and I'm just about ready to break. 

Keep it together, Lauren. You can do this. Just hold it in just a little while longer. It'll pass, all of it will go away soon. 

I have four people who I would trust with my life, so why is it so hard for me to tell them how I'm feeling and how hard things are at home?

Well, one of them already knows, but he only knows the little things. Not the whole story. I'm bits and pieces right now.


There is a Hell, believe me I've 

seen it

There is a Heaven, let's keep it a secret

The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan

corrode, v.
I spent all this time building a relationship. Then one night I left the window open, and it started to rust. -p. 64

lover, n.
Oh, how I have hated this word...I have never wanted a lover.  In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and be loved. - p. 137

dispel, v.
It was the way you said, "i have something to tell you." I could feel the magic drain from the room. -p. 74

I, n.
Me without anyone else. - p. 113

idea, n.
"I'm quitting," you say. "I can't believe how wasted I was. This time, I'm really going to do it."
       And I tell you I'll help. It's almost a script at this point. - p. 114

love, n.
I'm not going to even try. - p. 136

motif, n.You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you. - p. 144

recant, v.
I want to take back at least half of the “I love you”s, because I didn’t mean them as much as the other ones. I want to take back the book of artsy photos I gave you, because you didn’t get it and said it was hipster trash. I want to take back what I said about you being an emotional zombie. I want to take back the time I called you “honey” in front of your sister and you looked like I had just shown her pictures of us having sex. I want to take back the wineglass I broke when I was mad, because it was a nice wineglass and the argument would have ended anyway. I want to take back the time we had sex in a rent-a-car, not because I feel bad about the people who got in the car after us, but because it was massively uncomfortable. I want to take back the trust I had while you were away in Austin. I want to take back the time I said you were a genius, because I was being sarcastic and I should have just said you’d hurt my feelings. I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again. I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half the “I love you”s, because it feels safer that way. - p. 169

Love And Other Things

I take the car and drive the night
The white stripes blur and ease my mind
When all that's left is a single line
Instead of this confusion
And I'm not certain of the way it was
And I'm not sure what I could of done
Oh but I wonder if it had been enough
To stop her from leaving
And I realize the only thing I know is
She said"I'm in love with some one else" she said
"I fell in love with some one else and I,
I'm in love with some one and that's all that I know for sure"

You never forget you're first love. True. You move on but somehow no one can ever be better than that one special person. Sometimes, this can get in the way of relationships, it bites at whatever relationship you try to build until it's gone.

I guess thats a risk you take when you fall in love with someone but it's not really a choice to fall in love, is it? It's just something that happens and before you know it you gave a peice of yourself to that person.

Lover, n.

Oh, how I have hated this word...I have never wanted a lover.  In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and be loved

I guess love is a good thing though, it makes us stronger. For those of us who aren't lucky enough to have that person in our lives forever, love is the worst because we begin to fear the heartbreak. We become so afraid that we hesitate to start a relationship with everyone because we're afraid that person will become too important. What if we fall in love again, and it falls apart? We might not make it.

Some people think sex is the most important thing in a relationship. No. It's really not. I'm living proof of that. I spent two years with someone without any of that, we thought about it and even talked about it but never did it. It's so stupid. It just makes everything worse cause then when they leave they get to tell everyone that they saw you exposed. Now thats no fair, is it?

And then there are couples who do nothing but fuck. Every time they hang out, all they do is fuck. Can't people just have a normal conversation anymore? Just hang out?

I get it, it's nice. It feels good but it's pathetic when thats ALL you do.

"Silly boy, there's no such thing as love. Just different levels of 'feels good'..."

It would be so much easier to be single. I'd rather be unhappy alone than be unhappy with someone. That's a problem, I don't want to be alone.

This is a problem.

Reset Button

"People are really romantic about the beginnings of things. Fresh start, clean slate, a world of possibility. But no matter what new adventure you're embarking on, you're still you. You bring you into every new beginning in your life. So how different can it possibly be?"

It's all anyone really wants, right? A chance to go back and change something in their lives. Clean slate, a new beginning. Like things are gonna be any easier the second time around. There's a reason no one is going out of their way to make a reset button, nothing is easy about starting over. No one wants to go back and live through everything that made them who they are, again. You wouldn't be you, you would be the old you. The slightly dumber version of yourself.

I wouldn't wanna go back, it would suck. I used to be extremly self concious and crazy, I don't wanna go back to that. I don't wanna go back to the suicidal thoughts or depressions. That's not what I love.
I love living in the moment.
Waking up, looking in the mirror and saying "Wow, I'm beautiful."
I love being so confident it makes me seem cocky.
Feeling like everyone in the room is looking at me.
Most of all, I love the people that are in my life now.

Being a teenager is hard, why would anyone wanna go back?

I like living life in the moment, it's so much better than a new start. Mistakes make us stronger.

Alone

"No man is an island"
Bullshit

Everyone feels like this at one point in their life. Like there is no one who really understands you and like you're alone. An island. There is no one that can even try to relate to you or what you're going through.

I've really tried to get rid of this feeling, tried to distract myself with everything else but it never seemed to work. At the end of the day the feeling would crawl back to me. I tried to drown this feeling in every kind of alcohol I know, even in the mornings when the feeling was beginning to affect my mood. I didn't want people to know that I was feeling this way, it was kind of embarrassing. At this point, I really don't care anymore, I just wanna get back to how I was feeling two weeks ago. Happy.

 "I always said I'd be happier alone. I'd have my work, my friends - but someone in your life all the time? More trouble than it's worth. Apparently, I got over it...There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever." ~Meredith Grey (Greys Anatomy)

My best friend left without a word, a lot of my family is dead, and I don't feel like people actually care sometimes. I just feel like people act like they care to make me stop talking and, to be honest, it does make me stop because I know people are only acting. I'm getting used to being on my own but it's not a good feeling, knowing you're content with being alone, it kinda sucks.