80%

So, you're here but you're not. They told me they were kidding, "He's not coming back, I just wanted to see how you would react"
Oh wonderful, I freaked out for nothing. Perfect.

80% of me was relieved that it was a joke because I was afraid of getting all the feelings I had for you back but then there's that twisted 20% that wanted to see you again.
Everyday that 20% looked for you, hoped to see you one more time, just so that I can say everything that I bottled up to you. Every feeling, every tear, every 'I love you', everything that I locked away in the safe I call my heart.

I had a dream about you, it felt so real. It was nice to hang out with you, hug you, talk to you, and see you again. I wanted that to happen in real life but it's only a dream, right? Dreams don't come true, do they?

If you need me, I'll be here, in White Plains. You stay in Puebla, Mexico and change you're god damn Facebook location because every time I see it my 20% gets it's hopes up.

To You, From Me

"Old soldiers don't die, Hank, they just fade away..." ~ Gabe Cunningham




I'm not gonna lie, I changed. The only reason I'm writing this blog right now is because I dropped some people and I never gave them a reason. So, I'm hoping that they randomly stumble across this and understand that it's too hard for me to tell them in person.
I figured this will help with your confusion. The last couple weeks you've been trying to ask me why I don't talk to you and I keep walking away. I'm trying to disappear and you're not letting me. So here's my explanation, now let me fade away:

I felt like our friendship didn't mean as much to you as it did to me. I felt used, like, I was the person you came to when you were fighting with your parents, girlfriend, friends, guardian, or when you needed food. I'm pretty good at listening and I always have food but when it came down to you demanding that I give you homework to copy just because you were too lazy to do it, that was it. I had it. Not only were you demanding it but I wasn't even in school that day so I didn't even know what the homework was.

You don't put effort into anything and then you complain when things don't go the way you wanted them to go. It's a problem. You complain when there are rules. You're never fucking happy. People are constantly worried about you and there's never a thank you or anything.

When you 'disappeared' for a couple days I was worried. Then out of the blue, here you are and you don't even acknowledge me. So I sat there in an office with our Economics teacher and fought back tears that were pointless. I shouldn't have been surprised. I was happy that you were okay but a "Hey, thanks for worrying" would have been nice. Once selfish, always selfish I guess.

So after graduation, we go our separate ways. I'll graduate from high school, go to college, and make a name for myself out there in the real world and you'll continue to skip school to stay in bed or smoke weed, barley graduate because you decided not to go to Economics (It's required to graduate, in case you didn't know), not go to college, and work three jobs all while living in La La Land. Simple.

I love you, you were one of my closest friends but I need to walk away. You make me make stupid decisions, I need to be friends with real life not all the alcohol I pour in my system. So I'm saying goodbye.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I poured my heart into this one guys, I had a lot of feelings and I needed to let them out. Hopefully this will help anyone who may be in this same dilemma. See, I have a bad habit of bottling up things but I just needed to get this out there.

The quote is from a video game but I thought it was one of the best quotes I have heard in a long time and it kinda worked with this post.


Enjoy :)

Illegal

We all know it happens, people break the law all the time so I'm not really seeing a problem. It's only illegal if you get caught, that's my motto. So why am I afraid of this? It's something that I want, I think.

I understand why you're scared. You could lose everything... Well not literally but you'd lose a lot. As long as we don't get caught it's okay though, right? I'm pretty sure we both know that everything is mutual. We know each other that well.

3 months... That's all we have to wait. 3, and then it's... Half legal.

People make us happy and it's never the people you expect.

You were there for me when no one else was, I love you for that.


Life's about adventure... So come on already! Let's break some fucking laws.

No, no, no!

You can't be back, you just can't be. I got used to you being gone. I didn't want you here anymore and now you're back?! This can't be happening to me again. I never wanted to see you again.

I got over you, I went through my depression and I found an amazing guy.

How did everything go so wrong so fast?

I think I may just be afraid of myself. I don't want to get all the feelings that I threw away back again.

Breathe Lauren, breathe..... You can do this, just ignore him.

I hope my conscience is right.

Skins

Today I began to watch Skins UK version all over again. Thanks to my best friend, Mariana, I fell in love with this show right away. I found this picture this morning and it got me thinking, the quote is true. There is a little bit of every character in me. 


First Generation:
Tony- loved by many and often gets his own way
Michelle- Whore. Flirty.
Sid- in love with Michelle and doesn't notice Cassie's affections for him
Cassie- flee when things get tough
Chris-  teenage party animal
Jal- conservative
Anwar-  criticised because of his selective approach to his faith
Sketch- obsessive


Second Generation:
Effy- Enigmatic and elusive, attractive to all around her, utterly in control of herself and totally independent
Pandora-  naive and immature
Cook- Impulsive and eccentric, loves to have a good time and is constantly the life and soul of any party
Freddy- No comment
JJ-  huge imagination, child like
Emily- quiet and introverted personality
Katie- dominant, dynamic
Naomi- passionate, political, and principled individualist


Third Generation:
Franky-  smart, creative
Alo- party lifestyle and low grades
Rich-  very stubborn and unwilling to compromise
Mini- confident, bitchy personality acts as a security mechanism to hide her obsession over her weight
Liv- more impulsive
Grace- causes tension amongst the group
Nick- shuns his arrogant friends in favour of a lifestyle filled with partying
Matty- mysterious

I love this show ten times more now because I can kind of relate to all these characters. It's amazing what being a loser on the internet can teach you. 

Goodbye

"Make a promise please, you'll always be in reach. Just in case I need you there when I call..."




I have to admit, I'm kind of sensitive when it comes to people leaving. I guess it makes sense, every time someone decided to leave they just did... No warning, nothing.


So it kinda sucks when you constantly remind me that you're leaving cause all the fears come back and they bother me. I didn't wanna be that person who can't let go but you're my best friend.


I need you to say goodbye to me, cause I can't deal with someone else leaving me behind without a word. I need you to promise me that and we'll be okay.


Damn, graduations going to be hard. I say goodbye to the kids I grew up with and the teachers that mean the most to me..... fuck.