Resolution

Last year I made a resolution for 2011. I wanted to be in love with someone. We'll that happened and although it was a tough time and I didn't exactly enjoy myself... I'm happier for it. Things turned out for the better.

This year will be tricky. I'm not sure what I wanna accomplish yet, I'm happy with how things are right now... Kind of. Maybe I do have a goal, we can only see in the long term.

All I can say is... I hope my dreams as of late mean something.

Well, I'm not sure what this is gonna be, 
But with my eyes closed all I see 
Is the skyline, through the window, 
The moon above you and the streets below. 
Hold my breath as you're moving in, 
Taste your lips and feel your skin. 
When the time comes, baby don't run, just kiss me slowly. 

New Year

2012 is here... It's kind of a scary thought, if you really think about it. In 5 or 6 months I'll be graduating and heading off into the world. A world full of college and work. Weird.

I never really liked New Years, too crowded and loud for me. That is, when I go out.

Yeah, I'm spending New Years alone this year... Again. Not by choice, there's just no one free tonight that I would want to spend New Years with. It's perfectly fine. I just want this vacation to be over with.

Ba hum bug.


Hope you all enjoy your night.

I'm Still Here

"I'm still here, I'm still here, I'm still here"

I was bullied as a little kid. Many people made fun of me because of my uncontrollable curly hair and my missing two front teeth. People didn't know how I lost my teeth, they just knew that I looked like a weirdo. They didn't know that I bumped my mouth into a piano because my shoes were slippery when I was 3. I waited until I was 7 to get my teeth back. I didn't tell anyone that story because I was embarrassed. I was already seen as the girl with poodle hair. It got to the point where I thought about suicide for years, but I was too afraid to end everything. In the back of my mind, I believed that things would get better. I was right.

There was an assembly today, a man named Dr. Michael Fowlen came and spoke about bullying. He did impressions of these characters that appear one way and have a whole other side to them. At one point he began to act as a child with special needs.

I began to cry because I started thinking about my cousin, David. I thought about how kids might have treated David and what they must have called him. They may not have called him David, they might have just referred to him as "that kid with Cancer." David died before I was born and even though I never knew him, I still have those days where I sit in my room and cry because he is one person that I would give anything to meet. Let's face it, kids are ruthless, if they see someone who's different they will pick on them until something serious happens to that person. I can only hope the kids didn't hurt David in any way.

Despite everything that I have been through, I'm still here, walking tall. I'm not the quiet defenseless girl that I used to be, I have a voice, I am confident, and I am brave. I wake up in the morning and tell myself that I am beautiful and so what, I don't have a boyfriend, I will find someone who will love me for me and not for someone I try to be. So I want you to read this poem, it's called "I'm Still Here" by Langston Hughes:

Been scared and battered.
My hopes the wind done scattered.
Snow has friz me,Sun has baked me,

Looks like between 'em they done
Tried to make me

Stop laughin', stop lovin', stop livin'--
But I don't care!
I'm still here!

You are all beautiful, don't ever forget that.

Christmas is Here Again

Here it is, Christmas. The most wonderful time of the year.

It's time to see family again, give gifts, and relax.  I can't wait to see everyone again.

Christmas is the only time of the year where there is no fighting, no tears, nothing but laughing with my family.

Used

I didn't become your friend so that you can use me.

Get the fuck over yourself.

Realizations

"He loves you, Lauren..."
"Well, I don't return the feelings"


Now you love me, after all this time, now you love me.  I spent 2 years thinking that I loved you and convincing myself that I felt all these feelings for you. I was stupid. 


Sure, now that I'm no longer around you suddenly acquired all these feelings. I guess it's true what they say: 
"You don't really know what you've got till it's gone"


I realize now that I didn't really love you. I wasn't in love with you. I don't think I ever will be. I was only in love with the thought of being in love.

Fuck your feelings. I'm so much better now that you're gone.

Dream Zoo

My name is Lauren Iannucci and I am addicted to Dream Zoo. 

It all started when my favorite teacher showed me the game.
"You were made for this game"
"Ok, sure"
When he excitedly explained the purpose of the game I thought it sounded really really dumb and childish. Then I started to play it and got hooked right away.

I started to tell my friends about it and they all thought it was really dumb and childish, big surprise. He showed me this game on Monday, it seems like I've been playing for years but in reality it's only been a week.

My zoo is alot bigger than it is in the picture, that's just the only picture I have of my zoo. I now have Yeti's which I'm really excited about. Yay Yeti's!


Yeah, now that I wrote a blog about this game... I feel just a little more pathetic.

"I tried to get my friends to play it, turns out, I'm a grown man..."- My favorite teacher

The Future

She never thinks about her future, it's million miles away

Him: You should look at Baruch
Me: Isn't that where you're going?
Him: You should look into going there


I think about the future all the time, its something that I truly worry about sometimes.
Where will I be in 5 years?

Ever play the '5 years' game? Its really scary when you do. The object of the game is to think about where all your friends will be in 5 years and then try and think about where you would be.

Me? I hope that I'm doing something with photography in 5 years. Its something that I'm passionate about. Showing people how I see things, making something beautiful just with a click of a button.

I have to take it slow though, I gotta look at colleges. Baruch seems like a really good place to go, plus, if I get in I'll have someone I know there with me. I have a million other places to look at.

Out of Nowhere

I can't do this. I can't not talk to you. I can't pass you in the hall, & pretend I don't care.


There are some thing's that you never see coming. If there is one thing I have learned, thing's happen unexpectedly. One minute you're good friends, and the next, he's the person you can't be without. 


The other part that you don't expect is the whole "Let's not make this obvious" act. So we go around acting like we don't know each other, until we get a moment alone, when we all of a sudden know everything about each other. 


I can't stand being in that kind of relationship with someone, but at the same time it's kind of exciting. Tricking everyone around us that we're not close and at the same time having this arsenal full of each other's secrets and wishes. 


Then, out of nowhere, thing's work out and we decide to tell people. That's when reality hits us and we realize that this might have been the biggest mistake we've ever made. 

Dreams vs Reality

"I had a dream..."


I had a dream that my parents got divorced, it kind of got me curious about relationships. I feel the need to get involved. I begin to ask questions about relationships and because I get very excitable about things like this, I get carried away. 


I learned that my Forensics teacher is divorced, my English teacher may be engaged, my Math teacher has a wife and three amazingly smart kids, and a couple that I know are having problems and it's only the first month or so in their relationship. 


Maybe it's because I don't have anything to distract myself with right now, it's not like I have a boyfriend that I'm constantly wrapped up in or anything. I just have Me, Myself, and I. 


So forgive me if I get carried away with the curiosity. I just need to distract myself for a while. Yeah, that sounds about right.


I normally act like I don't care about relationships. I normally just dismiss them or say something smart like "Eh, I give it a month" but lately I seem to feel like everything will work out for the better. I think my dreams are triggering this hopeful feeling. 


I bought this book about dreams and their meanings and every morning I check to see what my dream meant. Lately my dreams have had something to do with love or luck. Yeah, the dreams are definitely a big part of my hopefulness. Definitely.

Philadelphia By Parachute

Taken while driving past Philadelphia

Like a gunshot from miles away
She's moving in
Like a rainstorm with out the clouds
She falls on you
Like a phone call to worn the truth
It never rings


It's the truth before the lies
It's the way she doesn't try
It's the wink before the sly
In Philadelphia
In Philadelphia


They met after work one day
She laughed with him
They drove off their separate ways
Then met for drinks
When he got home the silent guilt was deafening


It's the truth before the lies
It's the way she doesn't try
It's the wink before the sly
In Philadelphia
In Philadelphia


She thought that love was gonna fight
She thought that love was gonna take her home
She thought that love was gonna save her
But love just never showed
She felt that love was always watching
Oh we learned that love was supposed to wait
But sometimes it's the feelings
That are standing in the air

He slips off his worn out suit and tries to rest
She's a million miles away across the bed
She rolls over puts her hand across his chest


It's the truth before the lies
It's the way she doesn't try
It's the wink before the sly
In Philadelphia
In Philadelphia
In Philadelphia

From "The Notebook"

This song makes me wanna go to Philadelphia with someone special, I wanna dance to this song in the middle of the night on a empty street...

Changes

Things have defiantly changed.

Goodbye Euphoria

"Hey Lauren, do you know what happened to Marco?"
"He went to Mexico..."
"Oh, really? I didn't know that"

Nothing stays perfect forever. Just when you think you got everything figured out, everything changes.

Why couldn't you tell your friends that you left? Why do I have to do all your dirty work, huh?

Leaving without saying goodbye was a big mistake.

What did you think was gonna happen? People would just forget? They'd ask your cousins? They wouldn't care?

People do care, that's one thing you need to learn. They won't ask your cousins, they're gonna ask the ex-girlfriend that you spent two years involved with.

You didn't think this through, I'm not going to be the bearer of bad news anymore.

Euphoria

Leave her, let her dance her little heart out. She's in Euphoria...





Thing's are good again. I took a little time for myself and now I'm back to my usual self.
I'm happy.
I'm safe.
I have everyone I want around me.


I'm in Euphoria.





Come out the dark and let the DJ lead the way
Cause it’s hot in the club now, so don’t let it stop now
So hit the lights

Turn Around

Why would you go somewhere you're not wanted? Why go back to being unhappy?


Are you fucking stupid?! Turn around, they don't want you!


It's official, you're a fucking idiot, I don't understand why you won't just turn around and make a run for it, Lauren. You can do this.


You're still not turning around, this is pointless.


That's right, cry bitch. Cry you're little heart out. Even if you did run at this very moment, where the fuck would you go? It's not like anyone else wants you. Cry, cry, cry.


You're nothing, nothing but bits and pieces. People are just waiting for you to leave, so why don't you just go? Oh, wait, I know why, because you don't have anywhere else to go.

Optical Illusion

On the surface, things look perfect. My family seems happy and I seem ok with how things pan out. I would hate to ruin the illusion for you but nothing is ok. Nothing is perfect.

Oh she looks back and waves as she slips inside
Every hope in the world in those bright blue eyes
I'm still dancing alone with the way it was

I'm messed up inside. I have been holding all these feelings and emotions inside and I'm just about ready to break. 

Keep it together, Lauren. You can do this. Just hold it in just a little while longer. It'll pass, all of it will go away soon. 

I have four people who I would trust with my life, so why is it so hard for me to tell them how I'm feeling and how hard things are at home?

Well, one of them already knows, but he only knows the little things. Not the whole story. I'm bits and pieces right now.


There is a Hell, believe me I've 

seen it

There is a Heaven, let's keep it a secret

Too Young To Care

I'm old enough to know what I'm doing and young enough to not give a shit. 

The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan

corrode, v.
I spent all this time building a relationship. Then one night I left the window open, and it started to rust. -p. 64

lover, n.
Oh, how I have hated this word...I have never wanted a lover.  In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and be loved. - p. 137

dispel, v.
It was the way you said, "i have something to tell you." I could feel the magic drain from the room. -p. 74

I, n.
Me without anyone else. - p. 113

idea, n.
"I'm quitting," you say. "I can't believe how wasted I was. This time, I'm really going to do it."
       And I tell you I'll help. It's almost a script at this point. - p. 114

love, n.
I'm not going to even try. - p. 136

motif, n.You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you. You don't love me as much as I love you. - p. 144

recant, v.
I want to take back at least half of the “I love you”s, because I didn’t mean them as much as the other ones. I want to take back the book of artsy photos I gave you, because you didn’t get it and said it was hipster trash. I want to take back what I said about you being an emotional zombie. I want to take back the time I called you “honey” in front of your sister and you looked like I had just shown her pictures of us having sex. I want to take back the wineglass I broke when I was mad, because it was a nice wineglass and the argument would have ended anyway. I want to take back the time we had sex in a rent-a-car, not because I feel bad about the people who got in the car after us, but because it was massively uncomfortable. I want to take back the trust I had while you were away in Austin. I want to take back the time I said you were a genius, because I was being sarcastic and I should have just said you’d hurt my feelings. I want to take back the secrets I told you so I can decide now whether to tell them to you again. I want to take back the piece of me that lies in you, to see if I truly miss it. I want to take back at least half the “I love you”s, because it feels safer that way. - p. 169

Love And Other Things

I take the car and drive the night
The white stripes blur and ease my mind
When all that's left is a single line
Instead of this confusion
And I'm not certain of the way it was
And I'm not sure what I could of done
Oh but I wonder if it had been enough
To stop her from leaving
And I realize the only thing I know is
She said"I'm in love with some one else" she said
"I fell in love with some one else and I,
I'm in love with some one and that's all that I know for sure"

You never forget you're first love. True. You move on but somehow no one can ever be better than that one special person. Sometimes, this can get in the way of relationships, it bites at whatever relationship you try to build until it's gone.

I guess thats a risk you take when you fall in love with someone but it's not really a choice to fall in love, is it? It's just something that happens and before you know it you gave a peice of yourself to that person.

Lover, n.

Oh, how I have hated this word...I have never wanted a lover.  In order to have a lover, I must go back to the root of the word. For I have never wanted a lover, but I have always wanted to love, and be loved

I guess love is a good thing though, it makes us stronger. For those of us who aren't lucky enough to have that person in our lives forever, love is the worst because we begin to fear the heartbreak. We become so afraid that we hesitate to start a relationship with everyone because we're afraid that person will become too important. What if we fall in love again, and it falls apart? We might not make it.

Some people think sex is the most important thing in a relationship. No. It's really not. I'm living proof of that. I spent two years with someone without any of that, we thought about it and even talked about it but never did it. It's so stupid. It just makes everything worse cause then when they leave they get to tell everyone that they saw you exposed. Now thats no fair, is it?

And then there are couples who do nothing but fuck. Every time they hang out, all they do is fuck. Can't people just have a normal conversation anymore? Just hang out?

I get it, it's nice. It feels good but it's pathetic when thats ALL you do.

"Silly boy, there's no such thing as love. Just different levels of 'feels good'..."

It would be so much easier to be single. I'd rather be unhappy alone than be unhappy with someone. That's a problem, I don't want to be alone.

This is a problem.

Distance

I feel like I've been distancing myself from everyone. Not on purpose... it just kind of happened.

I'm just out of touch and I'm not sure how to get back in touch again. I'm all alone in this place that I've put myself in, no ones here to help me out or anything.

There used to be someone that I can go to every time I felt like this but now? I don't think anyone really cares. People are just focused on their lives and don't really care about other people anymore.

I get it, people like to talk about themselves. I like to, in fact I have this blog where all I do is talk about myself.

I'm an Aries.

Aries Personal traits: Openness, enthusiasm and individualism are the main traits of the Arians. They are outspoken, alert, quick to act and speak. They prefer to speak than to listen. Arians are ambitious, with lots of drive and a strong will to lead. They are poor followers. Fiercely independent, they usually take the side of the underdog in any controversy. They are champions of lost causes and losing battles. This trait is due to a strong belief in their own abilities to turn any situation around.
Being alone is usually not a problem for me. I just hate when I feel like no one cares anymore.

Boys Be Crazy

Boy and girl sitting next to each other. Boy's ex-fling is sitting at the table next to them and her best friend is right across from the boy
Girl: So how are things with her? 
Boy: Good, I mean, it's not like we're over.

The next day the best friend tells the ex-fling what they were talking about
Ex-Fling: Ummm.... No, we're defiantly over...

It's times like these where I really question how people think. We ended things. I'm done with this, so, why are you still telling people that we're not over?

I got tired of you, that's why I'm moving onto the next guy. You became a.... bitch-baby. Crying and moaning about every little thing. Seriously, I thought boys were supposed to act tough all the time. Why is it that this one boy is the most sensitive guy ever?

I honestly think he needs to be committed to the nearest mental hospital.

Halloween

I know, I'm a day late but Halloween was hectic.
For starters, I had a blackout since the 29th so I only JUST got power back on Halloween, then I was all over the place trying to:

Mariana and her boyfriend the zombies

Estephania as Snooki and Jonathan as...himself?

             a) figure out plans (if any)
             b)enjoy myself

There was a shit load to do... kinda.

I was Marvin the Martian from Looney Tunes for Halloween (Don't really have pictures yet, my friend has to send them to me still)



All these pictures here are just some of the people I know that dressed up.
Obviously there were more but it's late, so there's not much of an effort here.




BY THE WAY:

The picture of Mariana was stolen from her blog:
http://lifeandquestions.wordpress.com/

The picture of Jonathan and Estephania was stolen from... Facebook.

My Pyro

Reset Button

"People are really romantic about the beginnings of things. Fresh start, clean slate, a world of possibility. But no matter what new adventure you're embarking on, you're still you. You bring you into every new beginning in your life. So how different can it possibly be?"

It's all anyone really wants, right? A chance to go back and change something in their lives. Clean slate, a new beginning. Like things are gonna be any easier the second time around. There's a reason no one is going out of their way to make a reset button, nothing is easy about starting over. No one wants to go back and live through everything that made them who they are, again. You wouldn't be you, you would be the old you. The slightly dumber version of yourself.

I wouldn't wanna go back, it would suck. I used to be extremly self concious and crazy, I don't wanna go back to that. I don't wanna go back to the suicidal thoughts or depressions. That's not what I love.
I love living in the moment.
Waking up, looking in the mirror and saying "Wow, I'm beautiful."
I love being so confident it makes me seem cocky.
Feeling like everyone in the room is looking at me.
Most of all, I love the people that are in my life now.

Being a teenager is hard, why would anyone wanna go back?

I like living life in the moment, it's so much better than a new start. Mistakes make us stronger.

Alone

"No man is an island"
Bullshit

Everyone feels like this at one point in their life. Like there is no one who really understands you and like you're alone. An island. There is no one that can even try to relate to you or what you're going through.

I've really tried to get rid of this feeling, tried to distract myself with everything else but it never seemed to work. At the end of the day the feeling would crawl back to me. I tried to drown this feeling in every kind of alcohol I know, even in the mornings when the feeling was beginning to affect my mood. I didn't want people to know that I was feeling this way, it was kind of embarrassing. At this point, I really don't care anymore, I just wanna get back to how I was feeling two weeks ago. Happy.

 "I always said I'd be happier alone. I'd have my work, my friends - but someone in your life all the time? More trouble than it's worth. Apparently, I got over it...There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love and then you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It's like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever." ~Meredith Grey (Greys Anatomy)

My best friend left without a word, a lot of my family is dead, and I don't feel like people actually care sometimes. I just feel like people act like they care to make me stop talking and, to be honest, it does make me stop because I know people are only acting. I'm getting used to being on my own but it's not a good feeling, knowing you're content with being alone, it kinda sucks.

For The Love Of A Daughter - Demi Lovato

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejV8eGY_emA&feature=related

Fire

"I love you but I've chosen Pyro"

Fire is the most amazing thing in the world to me. Light a candle and a fire is beautiful and gentle but, at the same time, a fire can be deadly. It's kind of exciting. At any moment that candle can fall and your house can be up in flames and your life can be in danger.

It's the thrill of being so close to something so dangerous yet beautiful that gives me a thrill.

Happy Days Are Here Again

It was quick and easy. I didn't cling. Sometimes I amaze myself with how strong I am. Not trying to be cocky, I'm just being honest.

I'm amazingly happy and I don't think anything can get in my way now.

Break Ups (Kinda)

Usually I try to stay friends with people but I'm not sure about this time. I've said it many times before, I'm being used, it didn't surprise me when I found out.
At least we weren't officially a couple, my feelings didn't get too serious.

It kinda sucks, you know? When you put all your hope into one thing just because you think it will work out and then being disappointed.

Battles with Myself

I can't make up my mind.
I give up on you but I wanna keep trying, it's confusing. I literally walk around all day just thinking of what would happen if I gave up on you... and then I would think about what would happen if I didn't.

You know, I wish someone wrote a book, "How to Survive as a Romantically Indecisive Teenage Girl", that would help a whole fucking lot.
Are you using me? Am I just so afraid of being hurt that I second guess everything?
It's funny, usually I can take a chance without any questions. I live for the thrill of things, but I guess sometimes I go too far.

Risks I Have Taken:
Loving someone: Check.
Clinging to that person: Check.
Giving a peace of myself to that person: Double Check.
Having that person leave without a word: Check.
Trying to forget him completely and failing miserably: Regrettably, check.

So maybe that's it, maybe I'm so afraid of all that happening again. Being left alone. After all, history repeats itself, doesn't it?
Or maybe I've just given up completely on relationships?

Second Resort

I already spent two years feeling like this.
Feeling like I'm just the person that they use when they want something committed.
Like I'm being used.
I know, it's not your fault, but I can't help this feeling.
When my ex moved to Mexico I thought this was going to be different, but it's not because you're making me feel the same way that he did.
This sucks.